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Thursday, June 4, 2009

What if????

I was lucky enough last go round not to experience postpartum depression.  I have several wonderful friends who had the unlucky experience of having it, and I SO sympathize.  My problem seems to be anxiety WHILE I am pregnant.  Last time I was fine when the babies arrived, but in the weeks building up to their arrival, I lay in bed at night (isn't that always where we worry the most??) wondering what I had gotten myself into.  Was I going to be a good mother?  What if I got postpartum depression?  What if I didn't love them?  What if my weight stayed at a number where I could feasibly play high school football if I wanted to?  What if they never slept?  The list of worries went on and on and on.....while my happy husband ALWAYS lay there snoozing soundly beside me.  (Never awake so that I could vocalize my worries....he was too busy being happy and normal to stay awake worrying.)  As the weeks to Livi's arrival wind down (eight more to go!!) I am finding myself in a similar situation.  This is curious to me, because for the most part, I sort of have an education now in newborn care.  This isn't my first rodeo....but the worries are different.  Sure, I didn't die of a blood clot during the last c-section, but what if something goes terribly awry during this one?  What if the epidural doesn't kick in and I am like Hayden Christiansen in that creepy movie where he can feel everything they are doing?  (My husband reminds me that I won't be asleep during the surgery, so I can just tell them if that happens....I am pretty sure I'd already be in shock, so his rationale doesn't help much.) What if I stay fat? (Yep, that worry is sticking around this time, too)...but most of all, What if I can't handle three kids under three?  Compounding my worry (which I try so hard not to let get to me) is the guilt of being worried at all.  I have a firm belief that God gives us what we can handle, and I know He doesn't want me to worry.  
"Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid: do not be discouraged, for God is with you wherever you go." 
Joshua 1:9 
Who am I not to listen to Him when He is so clearly commanding me not to worry??  I feel okay during the day, but just like last time....when I am trying to go to sleep...that is when the worries kick in.  It doesn't help much that half the people I encounter look at me like I am the Octo-Mom...having babies like rabbits!  Some people even ask outright what is wrong with me....I ALWAYS respond with a joke about how I am out of my mind or something, but inside I sort of feel bad for doing so.  Three years ago, I was worried I would never get pregnant, and now I am seven months into a COMPLETELY unplanned pregnancy, which I thought was impossible for us.  I feel blessed, I AM blessed....I need to remember that everyday, and not let my worries or insecurities about what other people think affect my thoughts or words.  I need to remind myself how much I LOVE being a mommy, and how I have survived fine this far.  I need to remember how my babies make me laugh harder than anyone on the planet.  I need to remember how they make me feel more significant than I've ever felt.  I also need to remember to make bibs and burp cloths, monogram about four new blankets for this baby, finish painting a little rocking chair....the list of to-do's goes on.....but mostly I need to remember to live in the moment and let today take care of today....

2 comments:

Katherine said...

3 kids under 3....4 kids under 4....whatever! I get those type of comments all the time! Each one is a blessing. I try to remember that in the worst of situations. Your quote is my favorite! I use that all the time. Love ya and call if you need a hand!

ken and meg said...

Don't worry !!! You'll be fine and take it from me being fat isn't all that bad!!! Finding cute clothes is a little tougher BUT it's like a hunt!!! or you could just join WW with me and we'll lose it together!!! HEY you could have people ask if your having a hard time getting the baby wt off and you adopted...YEP happened in COSTCO!!! I told them I gained a ton of wt with Drew!!! LOL... you'll be fine!!!