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Thursday, January 31, 2008

The Dog Whisperer I am NOT!

Note to childless couples out there: If you are planning on EVER having children, take it from me...don't get a dog. Don't get two dogs, don't even get one dog. Don't even get a small dog. Our dogs were loved before these babies came along. We would get teary eyed at the thought of their old age. We let them sleep with us, eat off our plates, and ride in the car with us everywhere. We sat on the back porch with a beer and threw the ball/frisbee/plastic foot toy at them for forty five minutes at a time. I literally could not imagine a day could come that I would live a life of complete annoyance at the sight of them. Fastforward to May 8, 2007. I come home with tiny precious babies and immediately are bothered by the dogs. I don't like them licking my babies. I don't like them licking their toys. I hate when they find a ball, assume it is theirs, and pop it. I hate dog hair on my floor, where the babies lay. I HATE the barking right when I get two tired, cranky babies to dogs bark at the wind, the mean old man behind our house, cars, little kids, etc. Don't even get me started on the doorbell. It rings, and they are SCREAMING at the top of their dog lungs. It doesn't help that I am married to the "Dog Hollerer" who can tear down four hours of dog training in twelve seconds. I will spend all day practicing the "we don't bark at the doorbell" lesson, and he comes in the door from work singing circus songs at them and chasing them around the living room. It also doesn't help that I live behind the world's biggest dog hater who complains if he hears them so much as breathe in the back yard, and asks us when we are putting them on "an electronic muzzle"...whatever the heck that is!
The point of all this ranting: I am finding myself with some rare silence this afternoon while my sweet babies are asleep on the couch. I decide to catch up on some projects I have been working on....when Dixie starts screaming like she is posessed by the dog devil. I ran her out the back door, literally shaking with rage. She had a kick coming to her rear end, but scooted pretty fast away from lovers out there (I used to be one of you) I am sorry. I know this horrifies and offends you. Problem is: I don't really care that much anymore! Call the ASPCA on me or something. (Don't really call the ASPCA...I am not a dog abuser...just resentful I am an owner) This is a big change of heart for me.....I used to want to buy cute dog beds for them and dress them in hilarious costumes like "Batman" and "Chicken"...trouble is; I never imagined how I would feel after I had kids....babies were hypothetical for me at that point....if someone had told me all this then, Shawn and I would have shaken our heads at them and talked about it in the car on the way home, discussing how we would NEVER change how we treated our dogs. Ha! Double Ha! Take it from me: If you are dogless and want babies, STAY THAT WAY. It doesn't matter if you love dogs. It doesn't matter if your aunt's boyfriend's stepmom's realtor can get you a super duper price on a purebred something or another, It doesn't matter if someone gives you a free puppy in a pink sweater. Look down at the dog in disdain and run (don't walk) the other way..If you ever get the urge to purchase....DON'T DO IT! Just walk your neighbor's dog or watch you some Animal Planet. Trust me. Now it's too late. I realize they triple my workload and daily trouble....but we already kinda like them so it's WAY too late. Better to never have loved at all, that's what I say!