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Monday, May 10, 2010

I always, ALWAYS knew I wanted to be a mother....of course, back when I knew I wanted that, I wasn't really sure what that entailed.  I didn't realize the love I would have for them.....or how much they would change my world.  I never knew that you could think about someone other than yourself for an entire day, and not remember the last time you washed your hair.  I didn't envision a time when I would still be in my pajamas at dinnertime, or put someone else's needs so, SO far ahead of my own.  There are so many things I love about this job of mine:
-the "before bed" smell....part lavender body wash, part fabric softener from clean jammies.
-making them laugh (and I'll do some RIDICULOUS things to coax a laugh out of a baby!)
-soft baby skin.
-seeing their little tiny faces in the rearview mirror, especially when they are studying something outside the car and don't see me looking.
-how they are excited to see me, even if I've left the house for just an hour.  (Even the tiny one bounces with glee when she sees me fun!)
-how tiny their little bodies are.
-watching their eyes light up when they learn something new, or see something they've never seen before.
-seeing that they love books as much as I do.
-the ways they communicate love to me: running to find ME when they are hurt, telling me "I need a snuggle", reaching for me to hold them, patting me and smiling (this one is Livi's specialty)
-folding their tiny socks and underwear.
-seeing their sensitive little souls in action....being proud that they are potty training, empathetic to others, worried about someone else's feelings....

Oh, the worries...there are a lot of them.  I worry about people hurting their feelings, and whether or not they will love school...I think about how badly I want them to find things they are good at and feel confidence in those things.....I think about the friends they will make someday, and how I desperately want God to put believers in their life that will influence them during the times where they choose one road or the other.  I worry when I discipline I doing it right?  Am I always saying things that build them up? Am I showing them in my words and actions that being a good person, a kind person,  is something wonderful to be, and making the "right" choice is a blessing, not a burden?
Of course, all these feelings are magnified right before bed....why is it that as I lay there trying to sleep, everything I have said and done that day feels like it is larger than life? In those moments, I am sometimes squished with guilt...did I say "I love you" enough that day?  Did I do and say the right things?  Did I make them feel not tolerated but adored?  Did I listen enough to the important things they were telling me....whether it was about dinosaurs or something they saw outside?  Those moments late at night aren't ALWAYS about guilt and worry....they are often spent thinking about how much love I have for them....and how that feeling is also magnified at night in the dark, when their little bodies are in their own beds.  (okay, when two out of three of their little bodies are in their own beds)  Now I finally understand why my mother couldn't go to bed until we were home, tucked in our own beds....the thought of MY own babies out in the world without me is too scary to think about now....but luckily I have lots of years before I have to worry about that.
As I look at these pictures, they make me remember how I felt when they were taken is funny.....pregnant with twins (no IDEA what I was getting into!)....the first pictures ever taken of my three babies....(can any of my readers tell who is who??)  With Livi, I knew so much more.....I KNEW how much I was going to love her, how much she was going to make me laugh, how important she would be, because the twins showed me all these things.   Their delivery room scenario was much different.  Three times the amount of people in the room, and I felt one basic emotion (for two reasons):  Gratitude.  They were healthy, and they were FINALLY out of my body! With Livi, I felt gratitude for her health....but it was much less about THAT moment (of her birth) and more about what I knew was to much we were going to love her....who she was going to become.

I read this online and loved it....
It is a message from a mommy to her daughters, and it says so much about what I want for my babies....

"Don't worry about perfection in life, in looks or in love. It isn't attainable, and honestly, those perfect people never have any fun anyway. Always be you. After all, no one else can do it better. Read everything you can get your hands on. Never be afraid of making a mistake. Sometimes those mistakes lead you to the most magical places. Speaking of magic, believe in it. It's real and it's out there just waiting to be uncovered. When someone shows you who they really are, listen. Love with reckless abandon. Please don't hate me when you're 15. But if you do, I promise I'll still be waiting with open arms when you need me again. If you have the change, spare it. There is nothing cute about a bad boy. The only score you should keep track of is your credit. Take care of your skin. Be silly for as long as you possibly can. When you are old enough to have children of your own, watch them when they sleep. You will never feel more peace and love than in those moments. Amazing girlfriends are a necessity in life. Smile at strangers. Trust your gut. Find the kind of music that speaks to you and hold onto it for dear life. It will get you through the toughest of times. Wear your seatbelt. Playing dress up never gets old. Sing as loud as you can in the car whenever you feel the urge. I promise to always sing with you. Don't cheat. Create and capture your moments. Know that it's ok if you can't decide what you want to be when you grow up. Be everything. And most importantly, I gave you as a gift to each other. Cherish one another and be the best friends you were destined to be."

I have loved every minute of this journey to becoming a mother....okay, maybe not EVERY minute, because a C-section isn't exactly a day at the spa.  Okay, and the first three months of pregnancy vomiting aren't too much fun, either.  Other than that, it really HAS been the best three years of my life.....finding out I was expecting them, feeling them kick inside me (hard!), meeting them on their birthdays.....staring at them when they were eight weeks hold and feeling like I was kicked in the stomach when I realized how much I loved them....all of it.  And just like the days of their birth, I feel gratitude today as well....for my own mother, who has practically parented my children as much as I have, and for these babies that made everything different for me.  


Jacqueline said...

agh! so sweet and I can relate to every word. I definitely do the same thing at night right after I put Ella to sleep. The worry thing... I also LOVE the pre-bed smell. It's my fave. It's a pain deep down in my stomach the love I feel for her.

I just took E to the doctor and found out she has another sinus/ear infection. :(

See you soon!!