My dog is Satan

I am serious. This dog is almost nine, and has been a little "off" from the word go. But recently, she has become amplified in her weirdo behaviors. I am sure that adding two babies to her world, and moving all over the place haven't helped matters, but STILL. Things are almost at a breaking point, and I am not sure where to go from here. She is SUPER nervous around the babies, which makes me super nervous, and necessitates separating her from them via baby gate at all times. (She actually bit my friend's baby a few years ago....I know. I am shameful and should have "done something" back then....but I just couldn't!!) She won't stay in a backyard, but smashes herself flat (like a cockroach) and manages to get under the gate and into the front yard, where she hollers at the door until someone comes to get her. She digs up plants. She barks at the vacuum. She chases us up and down stairs.....and now for the real winner: She has started pooping on the floor. The strange barking and hatred of the vacuum I can handle, but floor pooping.....I don't think I can. I don't think she is geriatric enough to be doing this....and it may be more of a behavioral issue than anything. Point is, I can't manage a crazy dog while worrying about two babies all day. I am totally at the end of the road, and have even suggested the option that would make all you dog lovers go screaming and crying down the street. This morning was the end all-be all of weirdness. I opened the door to the bathroom (where we keep her at night because of the turd burgling) and found my bible-that's right, I said MY BIBLE torn to shreds and covered in poo footprints. She had pooped on my bible study bag, walked through it, and tracked it all over the floor, my bible study book, and the actual bible before deciding to shred it. (Maybe she's a Jew....no, that can't be, because she only tore up the old testament....I digress) I shouldn't have left my stuff on the floor, (read previous post to find out why it was there) but there is NO way this is normal. WHAT TO DO???? I have had all sorts of advice from people...give her away, put her to sleep, take her to "live on a farm" (which I think is similar to the previous choice), call Sheltie Rescue and see if they'll take her.....I am at a loss. My friend said that this event (pooping on my bible) proves that she is indeed the devil. UGH. I really, really don't know what to do. If anyone knows someone who wants a weird, pagan dog....let me know.