One of the things I miss most about teaching (besides my sweet teacher friends) is the morning commute. Don't get me wrong, I HATED the getting up early part, and the getting ready part. The commute, however short or long, I loved. I loved listening to my favorite morning radio show: Kidd Kraddick in the morning. Most radio personalities are cheesy or borderline idiots, but these people, I get. They are funny, and share WAY too much information. My kinda people. Anyway, for the last three and a half years, my mornings have mostly consisted of changing poop diapers, refilling milk cups forty thousand times, trying to find Elmo on TV, and attempting to stuff a banana or something else moderately healthy into the mouths of my tiny people (besides an Eggo waffle). We typically aren't in the car driving somewhere between 6 and 10 a.m...until now. The twins go to day school Tuesday and Thursday mornings, so I have a reason to listen to my old "friends". Today, they did a segment called "Does that make me crazy?" where they talk about the weird stuff they do, and then they talk about whether or not they are headed for the nuthouse. That got me thinking.....I wonder if people would think I was weird if they knew all the strange little things I do? I'll let you judge:
1. I always, ALWAYS buy new shampoo and conditioner before the old bottle gets even half way done. Invariably, I have to open the new bottles before the old ones are done, so I end up with anywhere between 4 and eight shampoo bottles in my shower at any given time.
2. I am weirdly sentimental about anything to do with my babies. I have a MISERABLE time giving away baby clothes. I have tubs and tubs of them stuffed in closets and in my parents' attic. I have all of my favorite tiny outfits of theirs in ziploc bags in their closets.....I feel horrible putting new pictures of them over old pictures of them, so I just end up buying more frames. I can't get rid of the pink plastic bathtub things that they gave us in the hospital, so I use them for kitchen storage. I am panicked that they are growing up too fast.
3. I wake up in a panic at least three times a night, slapping Shawn in the arm or chest. (I know: poor, tormented Shawn...if he did that to ME, I'd be ticked!) I have to get out of bed, look out my windows and go check on my kids. This habit really confounds me, because I was an all american sleeper growing up. I literally took a nap every day from birth to college, and still could get in at least 12 good hours at night if I needed to.
4. I can't throw away icing tubs or sour cream tubs. I guess it's the retired kindergarten teacher in me...I have about fifteen of each. I know, ridiculous!! (But they are made of really good plastic, people!)
5. I will not kill a roach. I can't step on one, and I certainly can't chase one down with a paper towel like my husband does...(thank GOD for that man!) I hate that they are crunchy, and that they run fast. One even tried to fly in my mouth once...I could tell what he was thinking. My roach management system goes like this: See roach. Scream. Run for a cup to cover him up. Leave him covered until husband can deal with horrible roach situation.
Cannot. Handle. Roaches. Too many stories about their love of burrowing in your ear and their inability to go backwards, meaning all their wiggling just makes them burrow further into your head until you need surgical intervention.
6. I make up new, ridiculous names for everyone I know, especially my kids. They literally have 25 nicknames apiece. Back when I talked to my dogs (sad, I know) they had a bunch of names, too. Everyone else in my peripheral world has nicknames as well. There was "Blinky James" who ate lunch with us for a semester in college and blinked entirely too much, "Ear Wax Girl" who sat next to me in physics and dug in her ear with her pen cap, "Ask for a Ride Girl" who asked my roommate for a ride home from class literally every day (Alison, do you remember her??) ....also mixed in there were "Saggy Boobs", (don't ask) "Psycho", "HELLOOOOO!" (yep, that's someone's "name"), "Tea Bag" (these are really inappropriate now that I am thinking about it), "www.d-bag.com" (another classy one).....there are a whole bunch more but I will stop now at the risk of making myself appear even more idiotic. This naming thing is less about criticism (because Lord knows I'M not perfect) but more about noticing details. I have always been overly observant....and this applies to people as well as surroundings.
7. I cannot listen to the radio without changing the words to songs. "Heart" always turns into "fart"....and then I am amused by my kindergarten humor.
8. I cannot stand being read to. I have to read it myself, or fight the urge to cover my ears.
9. I hate meetings. Any and all meetings....this is going to be a problem when my PTA years come around. If I am expected to sit in a chair and listen, my legs get antsy and I want to run screaming from the room.
10. I love watching "Hoarders"....seeing people's horrible, filthy, cat infested homes is comforting to me somehow. Mine is like a sterile operating room in comparison.
11. I am obsessed with weird religions. I don't want to JOIN them, but I am fascinated with how they get OTHER people to join....the group psychological dynamic is so interesting to me.
12. I still gag every time I have to swallow a pill. For this reason, I take Flintstone's Vitamins every day.
13. Every time I ride an escalator, I think about my foot getting sucked into the joint at the end. I know this is because I read an article in one of my mom's "Reader's Digests" when I was little about this very thing happening.....Escalator Attacks, people! It's a real problem.
14. I love Chap Sticks. At any given time, I own at least eight of them. They are in my purse, in the drawer in my bathroom, next to my bed, and in the little compartments in my car. (Which has caused some interesting issues in August when it is 114 degrees outside)
15. I cannot throw away old leftovers. Opening an old container of food makes me gag every time. I would literally rather throw away ALL my tupperware and buy new stuff than stuff old food into the trash. Again, this is where the husband comes in super handy.
16. I am a horrible gift giver. I agonize about what I am going to get, and then criticize it in my own head ad infinitum.
The sad part is, I think I could keep going with this list....for my own sanity I will stop. (But also because I am feeling the need for some Chapstick application after typing about it. Weird, I know.)
"Does this make me crazy?" is starting to look better phrased as a rhetorical question.....
